Many have heard their name, but few know what truly lies within the minds and reach of …
Porn Wizards
A couple years ago, the archmage Rojemrom founded a school of magic. Within the school, many different theorems and studies were conducted on the nature of magic, the possiblity of enhancing our race’s understanding of magic and what it could mean to our technology, and what it would do to our very minds. None could have forseen what would come from what they did.
Among the classes of magic that were taught at Rojemrom’s school, were some of the more famed and feared spells known to mankind: Evocation to bring forth destruction from the mind of the caster; Conjuration to create life and objects from nothing; Illusion to hide and deceive, notably useful at Halloween. Necromancy, for the care of dead loved ones and reanimated labor sources. However, a small class that none took real notice of, was formed in the basement of the school. A class so horrific to modern society, that they were shunned publicly, but revered in private. They were…
Porn Wizards
Uolidar wasn’t very popular. He had made the mage exams, allowing him access to the most prestigious school in the land – Rojemrom’s School of Magic and Air Irrigator Repair. He fancied himself better than those around him, and with good reason. He had succeeded in showing his ability to the veto council of the school of magic! How many skinflingers could claim that? None! They continue with their sports and their popularity, while Uolidar would learn to shape the world to his will. He wanted to learn magic to become an adventurer.
Each class had a prerequisite exam. Part knowledge, part personality assessment, each test was intended to prove that the potential future mage would not abuse their power for the detriment of others (Detrimenchanters excluded, obviously). Uolidar signed up for Conjuration, Enchantment, and even Divination. He was very excited to learn how to shape the world as much as he could. The exams for each class were far harder than the entrance exam, and Uolidar had trouble keeping up. He failed the personality exam for Conjuration, Evocation and Necromancy, and failed the technical exam for Illusion, Weatherwyrd, and Couchmancery. He had few options left (as no one REALLY wants to be an Abjurer, seriously).
Uolidar was mocked one day, other student said he wouldn’t even be fit to be a Pornmancer, but that only instilled him further. Wouldn’t be fit? We’ll see about that! And we shall, indeed, see about that.
Uolidar passed the Pornmancer exam with flying colors. The professor – a slimy obese man, with a beard that extended from under his chin to his collar bone – applauded him publicly, an event which Uolidar wished hadn’t been as public, for his success in the entrance exam. When in the classroom, Uolidar learned that Pornmancey wasn’t what people thought.
“Porn magic, isn’t just about sex entertainment. It’s an amalgamation of all the schools of magic. With Porn magic, you will be able to conjure objects, evoke energy and emotion, divine fetishes and desires, and enchant the sensitive parts that need to feel attention the most!” the professor, who took frequent washroom breaks, would rant “No, no, Pornmancey isn’t about pleasure, or even marital aid! It’s about mast- … mastery, of magic, and the self!”
Uolidar learned many spells. Many were Conjuration spells: Missile of Meat, Fletcher’s Flesh, and Really Real Rod were some of his favorites; while Evocation proved to be less common: only the Blacksmith’s Bellows, and Carpenter’s Carpals being taught in the first months. At first he was disappointed about the lack of focus on a specific school of magic, but as he neared the midterm he noticed that he was gaining skill in all forms of magic, through Pornmagery.
The final exam for the year-long course was truly trying. Actual nobles were brought in from the capitol, and the Pornmancers were tasked with pleasing the noble in full, as well as receiving a 25% tip. Uolidar was filled with equal parts dread and excitement as his noble – a particularly large and hairy man – sat on the couch provided for the exam. Then, he got to work.
Casting an image of a nude figure was his first step, though keeping it vaguely defined, so it would be easy to modify to the desires of the noble. Discerning the man’s desires and fetishes was easy, as most of those thoughts are surface and even broadcast thoughts, though figuring the shape and appearance of the figure was harder. He had to plunge deeper into the man. That is, the man’s mind, of course.
Hrm… the noble was definitely not picky. Bisexuality, though a definite favor for heavier partners, and men. Uolidar widened the image appropriately, keeping it just slightly smaller and shorter than the noble. Body hair was a plus, as was muscle. Toning the male body and populating the surface with coarse black hair was another simple task, but there was more work to be done. Sensation doesn’t come from an image, no sir.
The image reached the now-drooling noble, and Uolidar evoked gentle, but firm, contact with the noble. Caressing and massaging the body, but the noble took things to the next level – revealing himself, Uolidar had to act fast! Quickly mustering a Ring of Loosing and Tightening spell, he placed that on the noble to buy him a bit of time to get a Expansion-Suction enchantment ready. The noble only had time to moan once before the ExpanSuc spell reached full effect.
After a few more displays of skill, Uolidar was rewarded with the highest honors of Porn Magery, as well as a reluctant award from the school’s administration, for most successful – if messy – final exam result. Uolidar was also awarded with 10,000 gold paragons from the noble to develop his skill, and a contract to provide a monthly display to the noble and his court. Uolidar was ecstatic, though still a bit confused as to the path that had taken him from Mage College hopeful, to a Graduate with Honors, to a Contract with a local noble…
Porn Wizard
Uolidar fell back against the stone wall, his lip bleeding and his leg sore from the blow. The troll raised the mace high overhead, nearly touching the ceiling. The Porn Wizard took the opportunity, and cast Reluctant Restraints on the sword-arm of the Troll, bonding it to the ceiling. The moment of confused struggle gave Uolidar the chance to dodge out of the Troll’s reach, and before the Troll could snap the restraint, the next spell was already on him. Sensual Sensations gave him the general feeling of pleasure long enough for Uolidar to hit him again with Internal Irrigation.
Discerning the fetishes of the Troll, and stifling some vomit, Uolidar set to work on creating the image of the Troll’s innermost desires, and placed it over a crevace in the floor of the cavern. The troll staggered toward the image, drooling and stripping as it went. Uolidar was only able to maintan focus long enough before the illusion broke and the troll fell into the pit. Loosing his last meal from his stomach, Uolidar vowed to never discern a troll’s fetish again. Steeling himself for future horrors, he moved on.
Finally arriving at the antechamber that held King Rhodes’ son, he scanned the room. Perverted Peepers had the side effect of allowing a Porn Wizard to tell how many observers there were of a specific individual, and in the case of the King’s son, he could tell there were two – ruining any sense of suspense or dramatic timing for the reader (That’s you! The fourth wall is nothing to a Porn Wizard).
Using the normal staples of discern, illusion, sensation, he was able to completely incapacitate the ninja that waited to the right of the doorway to the antechamber. Untying the King’s son, and receiving thanks, Uolidar set to getting the crown prince out of this bandit-and-troll-infested cave. The prince took the ninjas weapons and they ventured out and back to home.
The King awarded Uolidar with gold paragons and treasure, as well as a word of good credit with the shopkeeps in town. Uolidar had saved half of the King’s progeny, and helped spawn the other half. The Royal Line of Rhodes would persist long into the future, and into legend.
Rewards nearly meant nothing to Uolidar. He was rich beyond reason, he could retire from his work at the ripe age of 22, but he didn’t care much for laying about. He enjoyed his work, and the praise he received from nobles who could provide legal proof that they had not, in fact, comitted adultery, filled him with more joy than any monk could find in a single flower blossom. He was content, though bored. The reason he applied to become a mage in the first place was to gain mastery over time and space. While that was achieved, he couldn’t do anything with it, except for his adventuring.
Any and all adventuring partied turned away a Porn Wizard. They just didn’t see the benefits of having a mage trained in the art of sexual entertainment in a heated battle. Uolidar even tried masquerading as a bard for a while, but was sued by the bard’s guild after making four adventurers retire, and putting more than 20 bards out of adventuring work. Either way, most adventuring parties didn’t want a…
Porn Wizard
Because adventurers like having significant others, and when there’s a Porn Wizard around there’s just no reason to have one.
Berghammer's Forge 